I'm tired of being alone. Finally, maybe, over it. I don't necessarily mean that I'm tired of being single. I've been dating people for years but lately I haven't felt much of a connection with the people I've been with. Certainly I'm at least partially to blame. Not all of the people I've dated recently have really been right for me. I've known that beforehand and jumped into the relationships anyways... just cause there was nothing else going on. For that I have no one to blame but myself.
I want to open myself up to the universe and all the possibilities that exist for me on that front, but honestly it's also just painful. There's just this dull ache in my chest that's been there forever and sometimes feels like it will never leave. Opening myself up to the world also means feeling that pain all the time... again. I'm not sure how exactly I escaped it, but as I think about it I've not thought of our felt that pain in a long time.
Each time I date someone, thinking that maybe they are the one I become a little bit more closed when that turns out to not be the case. The end result being all kinds of scar tissue around my heart these days, and while it means that breakups hurt a lot less, it also means I feel a lot less for the person up until that point. I think it may just be an issue of not picking the right women. I don't think that I'm incapable of feeling strongly for someone, nor do I think I'm incapable of trusting someone. I hope it's just because I haven't found someone (recently) who was worth loving and trusting. ....and boy does saying that out loud make me sound twisted. It is what it is though.
I'm honestly not sure where to search for quality people. I don't think I'll find them at clubs even though I think going to clubs is still useful for other reasons. I haven't been finding anyone worthwhile by hanging around UCI, everyone I seem to interact with from the college is really young. Starting to have more parties/hangouts where there are new women around... maybe something will come of that. I've been doing online dating for a while too... but that's just made me even more depressed. There are SO many women... and yet... on most of the sites none of them are interesting to me. It's like I've just seen the same profile over and over again. Some of the details change but the person never does.
Maybe geek 2 geek will eventually yield something. Maybe there is where I'll find some oddballs. Some kindred spirits. I guess time will tell. It's not as though I'm giving up. I am relentless. Giving up isn't something I do very often. I'm just grieving I guess. Yearning.
Today is one day in a struggle for the future I want to have, the one I need to earn and this is just a milestone, a marker of that time, a piece of that future that I don't have right now that I'm explicitly calling out. There will come a time when I look back on this and check it off, mark it as completed just have to find out how long that will take.
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