I think long and hard about new years resolutions. The reason for this is that I only ever commit to one thing at a time. I pick something simple, that is very difficult, something that I think will take me around a year to get through. So after thinking about it for 2 months I have my new years resolution. It echoes in my head as "make the water run clean". I think an easier way to put it would be to term it as "develop a sense of Grace".
[an aside]
Grace is one of the 4 tenants I have for living well. They go in order as harmony, agency, bliss and grace. Harmony is about finding your place in the world, living in such a way that your own existence isn't destructive to yourself or the people around you. Agency is about fixing your life when it reaches a point where you become destructive to yourself or the world around you. But agency is also how you move from harmony to bliss, the transition between simply existing well and being happy. Bliss is about finding the thing that you truly want or truly love, and following that. Whether that's a career goal, some hobby or another person. In the end bliss is about being extremely happy, about it being bone deep, not just about existing. Grace is about... being humble after locking all that other stuff in, you can alternately look at it as not taking shit from other people once you've gotten your own life in order. There is a certain kind of person who gravitates towards happiness only to try and destroy it... so, gotta watch out for that kind of person.
[onto what I was talking about before...]
So... grace. I feel like I need to get comfortable in my own skin again. Pick one identity that I'm happy with and just be that. Not try to sell myself as some other random thing. Back in college I had a pretty clear identity. Back when I was in Marin I had a pretty clear identity. Here... I'm not so sure I've gotten that figured out. The infamy I enjoyed in college as a womanizer is pretty much gone. These days I'm not at the parties where I'd find them. I have a reputation now for making excellent drinks... which isn't so bad. Also a reputation as an excellent florentine fighter, and I've no qualms with that one either. The thing is both of those reputations are really more facets of who I am now, rather then some kind of real identity.
So, to make the water run clean again I need to pull out all the toxic things in my life. Trim the weeds as it were. I have a lot of junk that I've got laying around my place, and inside my head from past identities. I feel the need to just start letting things go, whether they are objects or memories and have the who I am now identity take shape from whatever is left over. Kind of like an artist shaping granite. Making a figure appear from a slab of rock by chipping away everything that isn't part of the final shape.
So we'll see how that goes. Some of it will just be me taking the time to invest in spiritual practices, try and open my mind again, and re-attune.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Unemployment and Depression
At a certain point in being unemployed, the hardest part is fighting of depression. If your needs are met (you've got a place to sleep, and you won't go hungry) then you really don't have much to worry about. In the initial period of time for unemployment it's even almost like a vacation.
You get to sleep in if you like, you don't answer to anybody, and you get to do all the things you didn't have time for when you were working before. But as time drags on, you start to realize that waking up in the afternoon everyday really isn't healthy, and while you don't answer to anybody, you also don't have anything that you're required to do (aside from job hunt). That means that your day is without purpose (aside from what you can give it) and that tends to make a person lazy.
When the extraordinary becomes the everyday it stops being special... it starts to be mundane instead. So all that initial thrill just sort of fades away. At a certain point you realize that you liked the structure of having something to wake up for and times where you had to be. That the schedule you'd constructed your life around actually meant something to you. Suddenly all the things that you get to do now that you couldn't do before don't seem that interesting... because you miss the scheduled activities that are now out of sync with your current life.
Eventually you even realize that you have more time then you know what to do with, or that you can be productive with because eventually the place is clean and the upkeep on it isn't too bad. Eventually you've seen all the movies and shows you wanted to catch up on and there's nothing left to watch. Eventually you've played your share of every game you own and are stuck searching for something new, because let's face it, you can only play one game for so long before you want to do something else. Even if you're being productive and visiting places to try to find a job, there's probably a finite number of jobs that are in your area you can apply to. Even keeping on top of new opportunities burns a trivial amount of time.
After long enough depression sets in, and everything you do seems pointless. I am glad to say I haven't quite reached that point yet. Having job interviews helps. But eventually I'll probably get there too. The longer you stay unemployed the more acute it becomes as you start to ask yourself how you haven't managed to land a job yet. The thought eventually occurs to you that the reason why you're unemployed is not because you were looking for something new, but because you were or are incompetent, and are incapable of doing the work required of you by your chosen profession. And once that thought has gotten into your head, every time you don't get a job, or don't get an interview that thought is just going to get stronger and stronger. That thought (or some permutation of "I'm not good enough") is why unemployment tends to go with depression.
It's not real though. Your first instinct in leaving that job was correct and in almost every case the next job you have will be better then your last one, because you have more experience and more skills then you did the last time you applied for a job. So even when it takes some time... it's probably best to keep one's head up. A better future is one worth striving for, even if it means a little bit of pain and sorrow in the interim. Better to suffer now and take a good job later, then get a job right now and hate it for every day you work there. I've had those jobs and I'm not dying to do that again. So for now, I suffer, I wonder, and I strive. I will put my hope towards a job that I actually want to have instead of a job that just pays the bills.
You get to sleep in if you like, you don't answer to anybody, and you get to do all the things you didn't have time for when you were working before. But as time drags on, you start to realize that waking up in the afternoon everyday really isn't healthy, and while you don't answer to anybody, you also don't have anything that you're required to do (aside from job hunt). That means that your day is without purpose (aside from what you can give it) and that tends to make a person lazy.
When the extraordinary becomes the everyday it stops being special... it starts to be mundane instead. So all that initial thrill just sort of fades away. At a certain point you realize that you liked the structure of having something to wake up for and times where you had to be. That the schedule you'd constructed your life around actually meant something to you. Suddenly all the things that you get to do now that you couldn't do before don't seem that interesting... because you miss the scheduled activities that are now out of sync with your current life.
Eventually you even realize that you have more time then you know what to do with, or that you can be productive with because eventually the place is clean and the upkeep on it isn't too bad. Eventually you've seen all the movies and shows you wanted to catch up on and there's nothing left to watch. Eventually you've played your share of every game you own and are stuck searching for something new, because let's face it, you can only play one game for so long before you want to do something else. Even if you're being productive and visiting places to try to find a job, there's probably a finite number of jobs that are in your area you can apply to. Even keeping on top of new opportunities burns a trivial amount of time.
After long enough depression sets in, and everything you do seems pointless. I am glad to say I haven't quite reached that point yet. Having job interviews helps. But eventually I'll probably get there too. The longer you stay unemployed the more acute it becomes as you start to ask yourself how you haven't managed to land a job yet. The thought eventually occurs to you that the reason why you're unemployed is not because you were looking for something new, but because you were or are incompetent, and are incapable of doing the work required of you by your chosen profession. And once that thought has gotten into your head, every time you don't get a job, or don't get an interview that thought is just going to get stronger and stronger. That thought (or some permutation of "I'm not good enough") is why unemployment tends to go with depression.
It's not real though. Your first instinct in leaving that job was correct and in almost every case the next job you have will be better then your last one, because you have more experience and more skills then you did the last time you applied for a job. So even when it takes some time... it's probably best to keep one's head up. A better future is one worth striving for, even if it means a little bit of pain and sorrow in the interim. Better to suffer now and take a good job later, then get a job right now and hate it for every day you work there. I've had those jobs and I'm not dying to do that again. So for now, I suffer, I wonder, and I strive. I will put my hope towards a job that I actually want to have instead of a job that just pays the bills.
Because facebook is toxic
A long time ago I wrote my thoughts in a journal. Now that seems too time consuming. I'm sure there's some redeeming value in actually writing with pen and paper some place where your thoughts are safe... but I'm more a product of the digital era. I'm stepping away from facebook in an effort to avoid trolling... I guess we'll see how well that goes. So, lo and behold a new blog.
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