I'm tired of being alone. Finally, maybe, over it. I don't necessarily mean that I'm tired of being single. I've been dating people for years but lately I haven't felt much of a connection with the people I've been with. Certainly I'm at least partially to blame. Not all of the people I've dated recently have really been right for me. I've known that beforehand and jumped into the relationships anyways... just cause there was nothing else going on. For that I have no one to blame but myself.
I want to open myself up to the universe and all the possibilities that exist for me on that front, but honestly it's also just painful. There's just this dull ache in my chest that's been there forever and sometimes feels like it will never leave. Opening myself up to the world also means feeling that pain all the time... again. I'm not sure how exactly I escaped it, but as I think about it I've not thought of our felt that pain in a long time.
Each time I date someone, thinking that maybe they are the one I become a little bit more closed when that turns out to not be the case. The end result being all kinds of scar tissue around my heart these days, and while it means that breakups hurt a lot less, it also means I feel a lot less for the person up until that point. I think it may just be an issue of not picking the right women. I don't think that I'm incapable of feeling strongly for someone, nor do I think I'm incapable of trusting someone. I hope it's just because I haven't found someone (recently) who was worth loving and trusting. ....and boy does saying that out loud make me sound twisted. It is what it is though.
I'm honestly not sure where to search for quality people. I don't think I'll find them at clubs even though I think going to clubs is still useful for other reasons. I haven't been finding anyone worthwhile by hanging around UCI, everyone I seem to interact with from the college is really young. Starting to have more parties/hangouts where there are new women around... maybe something will come of that. I've been doing online dating for a while too... but that's just made me even more depressed. There are SO many women... and yet... on most of the sites none of them are interesting to me. It's like I've just seen the same profile over and over again. Some of the details change but the person never does.
Maybe geek 2 geek will eventually yield something. Maybe there is where I'll find some oddballs. Some kindred spirits. I guess time will tell. It's not as though I'm giving up. I am relentless. Giving up isn't something I do very often. I'm just grieving I guess. Yearning.
Today is one day in a struggle for the future I want to have, the one I need to earn and this is just a milestone, a marker of that time, a piece of that future that I don't have right now that I'm explicitly calling out. There will come a time when I look back on this and check it off, mark it as completed just have to find out how long that will take.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Reflections on my existence
I always try to take a moment and reflect on my birthday. It would be really easy to just let that time pass by, but that wouldn't be living consciously. I turned 28 this year. I'm not going through any kind of mid-life crisis though, and I don't think I will when I hit 30 either.
The thing about being a belegarth fighter is that I'm already pushing myself to what limits I have whenever I fight. I train to try and become faster, to improve my shot placement, to just generally become better. One of the things that I've been getting worse at though, is both my speed and my ability to recover. Back in college I fought 4 times a week, didn't get a real amount of sleep and often missed meals. I never had any trouble going out the next day and fighting. Now after an event or a more extreme fight session it's hard for me to get up and move the next day, let alone go out there and push myself.I'm by no means down on myself though. There are plenty of younger fighters that I am both still better than, faster than, and have more stamina/endurance than. Just 'cause I feel old and broken doesn't really mean I act that way.
So my reflection on my birthday is more about what I've done in the last year and where I'm going. My reflection is also about the balance of pleasure and pain I've sown in the world. I've always felt like, I started my life in this world owing a debt to it, because the way I was born sowed such pain. Sometimes I think I've believed I can never make that balance positive... but maybe that's not the case. The parents that adopted me have probably benefited as much from my existence, as my birth mother has suffered for it and at this point, even her life seems to be okay now, seems like those old scars are healed. For all the women's hearts that I've broken I like to think that the time I spent with them in love was worth it. I don't know if that's the case or not. For all the friends I've let down over and over again by being late or not showing up to things... I still must be doing something right. My friends have always been good friends to me, and I seem to be pretty generally loved. So maybe it's time to forgive my past, and not worry so much about the damage done, but to instead shift focus on all the lives I've touched and changed. That would probably be a good thing for my psyche. Might even help fix me... cause I think I've still got some more fixing to do.
As far as my current trajectory (where I was->where I am->where I'm going) I'm actually a bit worried. I think that where I was (at Sendgrid, as a QA, not really writing code) wasn't a good place to be, and I'm glad that I've left that place. I think that the woman I was dating wasn't right for me either, that they weren't quite on my level. I don't regret leaving the job or the woman... but where I am right now sucks. I am unemployed and single after months of trying to fix both of those things. Now I worry how long I'll remain unemployed. I feel like, fixing that is more of a concern for me, because my life is in limbo until it's taken care of. I feel better about being alone, since that's something I'm kind of accustomed to... but at this point, I start to yearn for my soulmate, my other, my equal. For the last several years I keep settling for whoever is there, just because I'm so lonely so it's no surprise that those relationships haven't ended well. I keep thinking that I'm a real catch, and that women would be glad to have me... but I guess something about how I present myself doesn't convey that. Or maybe the issue is that I'm just not approaching enough women... although that's a skill I'm trying to learn still.
Chalk up under ways in which I still need to improve myself "learning to approach women/people". Perhaps it's time to make a new list of those things. My success at improving myself to where I don't have so many obvious flaws has made me complacent. There are still plenty of areas where I think I could improve myself. I guess it's time to start improving myself again. To become more then I am now.
Some of that will be programming skills, which will also keep my current skills sharp, and some of those will be interpersonal skills. Then perhaps I can actually reflect on where I am, and where I want to go because I think, if only a little bit, I've started to let time blur.
The thing about being a belegarth fighter is that I'm already pushing myself to what limits I have whenever I fight. I train to try and become faster, to improve my shot placement, to just generally become better. One of the things that I've been getting worse at though, is both my speed and my ability to recover. Back in college I fought 4 times a week, didn't get a real amount of sleep and often missed meals. I never had any trouble going out the next day and fighting. Now after an event or a more extreme fight session it's hard for me to get up and move the next day, let alone go out there and push myself.I'm by no means down on myself though. There are plenty of younger fighters that I am both still better than, faster than, and have more stamina/endurance than. Just 'cause I feel old and broken doesn't really mean I act that way.
So my reflection on my birthday is more about what I've done in the last year and where I'm going. My reflection is also about the balance of pleasure and pain I've sown in the world. I've always felt like, I started my life in this world owing a debt to it, because the way I was born sowed such pain. Sometimes I think I've believed I can never make that balance positive... but maybe that's not the case. The parents that adopted me have probably benefited as much from my existence, as my birth mother has suffered for it and at this point, even her life seems to be okay now, seems like those old scars are healed. For all the women's hearts that I've broken I like to think that the time I spent with them in love was worth it. I don't know if that's the case or not. For all the friends I've let down over and over again by being late or not showing up to things... I still must be doing something right. My friends have always been good friends to me, and I seem to be pretty generally loved. So maybe it's time to forgive my past, and not worry so much about the damage done, but to instead shift focus on all the lives I've touched and changed. That would probably be a good thing for my psyche. Might even help fix me... cause I think I've still got some more fixing to do.
As far as my current trajectory (where I was->where I am->where I'm going) I'm actually a bit worried. I think that where I was (at Sendgrid, as a QA, not really writing code) wasn't a good place to be, and I'm glad that I've left that place. I think that the woman I was dating wasn't right for me either, that they weren't quite on my level. I don't regret leaving the job or the woman... but where I am right now sucks. I am unemployed and single after months of trying to fix both of those things. Now I worry how long I'll remain unemployed. I feel like, fixing that is more of a concern for me, because my life is in limbo until it's taken care of. I feel better about being alone, since that's something I'm kind of accustomed to... but at this point, I start to yearn for my soulmate, my other, my equal. For the last several years I keep settling for whoever is there, just because I'm so lonely so it's no surprise that those relationships haven't ended well. I keep thinking that I'm a real catch, and that women would be glad to have me... but I guess something about how I present myself doesn't convey that. Or maybe the issue is that I'm just not approaching enough women... although that's a skill I'm trying to learn still.
Chalk up under ways in which I still need to improve myself "learning to approach women/people". Perhaps it's time to make a new list of those things. My success at improving myself to where I don't have so many obvious flaws has made me complacent. There are still plenty of areas where I think I could improve myself. I guess it's time to start improving myself again. To become more then I am now.
Some of that will be programming skills, which will also keep my current skills sharp, and some of those will be interpersonal skills. Then perhaps I can actually reflect on where I am, and where I want to go because I think, if only a little bit, I've started to let time blur.
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